Jump! Baby Bird, Jump! ~ Self Portrait #24

This portrait, # 24 is quite appropriately numbered. 24 is my current age, and last November when Ms. 24 said, 'Hey-lo Inge!' It was one of the hardest days of my life...What happened exactly?  My pretty life plan come to a screeching halt. The road I was traveling down suddenly ended at a raging river. I tried furiously to lay new stones in the river, but they just melted away like away like money in your gas tank. Vapor. Even my levitation device broke! Absolutely nothing worked. The river would not let me cross it!My only option was to turn around and find a different road.I didn't want to, but I had to do it. I was infuriated, sad, scared and devastate all in one day. How could these plans, my beautiful plans collapse? Why? How could this be? I had fought hard, done everything I had know how to keep my dreams alive, yet still I lost them all in a matter of days. Ruined.I didn't want to accept how dead my dreams were, but I finally did and decided that I had to find a new dream. So I defiantly dressed up in my best superhero-like clothes and practiced my 'I'm strong; I can conquer the world with one hand tied behind my back! ' face in the mirror.  Yet inside of me - Oh! I was a weeping, scared, angry, confused but trying to move forward in faith that all of this was meant to be.If you had read my thoughts during this time, this is what you would have heard....1. "Help, Help! I don't want to step out. I don't know if I can. It will be awkward. It will be hard. It will be scary! I don't want to! Noooooo!!!"I theorize this is exactly what a baby bird feels like when the mama tells him to jump out of the nest.Side Note: If I were a baby bird, I'd be calling baby bird child services stat! For Animal Cruelty!

"Help! My mom is pushing my out of an 18-foot tree, can anyone say birdie abuse? Call the police! Call the police!" 

Back on Track: But really, think about it. Imagine what it would feel like on that inevitable day when your mama says "Get your butt out of this nest!"And on my 24th birthday that is what happened to me.Mama didn't tell me to "get" a moving. This time it was God saying..."Get! Set out of your cozy, comfortable nest. You've been in here too long, and your legs are getting too long for the nest. Take that scary new step to risk. Risk living your real dream. Don't live the half-dream. Trust in me enough to pursue that dream that you've kept hidden and never pursued because of fear.""But, but,....I don't want to," I whimpered... 'I quite like my surroundings, and the food isn't half bad. I can suffer through the squatty potties, and keep living a pretty good life...." but really deep, deep, deep down in the recesses of my soul, I did want too step out. 1st I really, truly hate squatty potties, and 2nd in my heart, I knew where I had been that I wasn't fulling using or developing the talents God had given me.So there on my birthday, I was booted out of the nest. I didn't even jump! I was pushed! Oh, it was scary! The most mournful birthday of my life. I'm a little ashamed to tell you how many boxes of Kleenex were drenched with my tears and snot on the way down. But when the tears dried up, I slowly started to expand my wings. They were young and weak, and I tumbled out of the nest like a baby bird.And when I hit the ground, I didn't land even close to where I thought I would. The world wasn't like I expected it to be.. Yet..... the fall wasn't as painful as I had imagined, in fact it was downright fun in a weird kind of old wooden roller-coasterish - thriller movie kind of way.Now that I am out of the nest, I'm relieved and more at peace. I didn't realize how stifling it was up there. I didn't see that I had been living a half life, and settling for the second best, and I've learned that God only wants the bestest life fully of joy for his children. No settling allowed, people!Now outside, I can dream unreasonably, smile fully, dance lightly, love and be loved AND sit on a blessed Western Toilet! My butt has never been so happy. :)I am more free now than I have ever been in my entire life! And the world?!!? Why, it is 102x more amazing than I thought it could ever be and the people are just lovely. And to think that I am just learning to use these wings. Imagine how delightful it will be once year 25 and 26 hits my bones? Unimaginable. ;)Lately I've been trying to climb up all the trees I encounter, big, small, fat, ugly, tall, you name it. I take a deep breath and climb----up, up, up, I go! And then when I get to the top, I take a few more breaths - this time much deeper, and bigger - I stall a wee bit, do a little motivation jig, pat myself on the back, say the Lord's prayer about 10x and then poof!I jump and squeal simultaneously  - like a scared piglet, ridiculous, I know. Don't judge my motivation methods.. :) -First I start to tumble but then I remember.... I've got wings! And every time I spread them, they work, and with each jump they get stronger, my heart gets more trusting, and I fly a little further than before.I bet when I get to Ms. 25 these wings will find more surprises, challenges, lovely people, adventure, blessings and freedom than I can fathom. ^^With every tree I climb and every mile I fly, I am learning more and more that God has an amazingly beautiful life for me and all of us. More full than I can ask or imagine. The transformation of my life from last November 3, 2011 (my birthday) to now, May 2012 -- 7 months is astounding. No words. I am being constantly showered with goodness. I constantly feel like slapping and pinching myself to make sure that I am actually alive.My heart is learning that I really, really can let go of my worries and truly trust that God is a good Father, and that he wants the very best for me so my risks really aren't risks at all. He's always got my back, yo!

So don't be afraid, jump, baby bird, jump!

You've got angel wings!

Self Portrait #23 ~ Step on Stage!

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All your life you've practiced, practiced, practiced and then just to be certain, you practice some more. Then there comes the day that you finally realize that there is really only one more thing left to do, step on that stage and give the finest performance your soul has to offer.

Cheers to you stepping on the stage of life and never being afraid to shine bright, bright, bright, and then brighter still!

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world."

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.  ~ Marianne Williamson

Just Fail.. It's cool ;)

Fail!!! What!?!? Yes, just do it! Fall flat on your face! Why? WHY would I say a terrible thing like that?? Well you see, I have had this realization recently that the world (well, maybe just me) is so terrified of falling on our faces or doing something not quite perfect that we don't try or we don't jump as high as we could, we hold back, and don't challenge ourselves to go for those all the things we love because we are just scared of failing.And this is frankly, dumb. What's so wrong about failing? Really? I mean what is going to happen, if one day my pictures are crap, if I look stupid on the dance floor, or if I get a 'B' on my exam (yes, I admit, I was one of those annoy 'A' student)?If I fail, the world won't end, everyone won't hate me. I won't have to give away my camera, burn my dance shoes, or ride the short bus for the rest of my life. No one wakes up just taking amazing pictures or composing musical masterpieces. You have to learn, and you learn by trying. If you try hard enough to learn you will fail many times, and that is OK. It's awesome actually. It means you have pushed yourself so hard that you could fail and when you fail you have this incredible opportunity to grow! Just like when you lift weights. The goal is to push your muscles so far that your muscles can't lift anymore, and in that instance when your muscles are too weak to lift any more, when they fail you, they are too tired for any more, this is the point when your muscles actually will become stronger.So I know we're in April, and the whole new year's resolution is so 4 months ago, but who cares? There are still 8 more beautiful months of this year left.. So this year, I want to propose a challenge to myself and everyone who is holding themselves back because of fear of failure.. Please just let go and fail!!!!Push yourself, scare yourself more and more, take yourself to that point of failure and let yourself fail. Then do it again. We'll still love you. Go learn to dance, cook a souffle, travel to Europe, or better yet invent a pineapple tree that grows in the arctic (OK, that last one was my selfishness coming through). You'll probably be terrible at first, and your souffle will look like I jumped on it, or you'll look as graceful as an elephant with four left feet on the dance floor, but you'll get better and better and then you'll be Fred Astaire. So Just Fail!So my first point of this challenge? Well I only have 4~5 months left in Korea and I have made a list of what I want to accomplish in these next months of my life... All of these are scary things for me to attempt, and even scarier to put them online. I tend to keep my goals all locked up in my journals, so if I don't ever get around to attempting them, I only know. However, this is a new year of going toward my fears. No more excuses!Challenge #1 Be more open!So here is the dastardly list. Short, Sweet and Scary. What would your list look like?1) Submit my pictures to a magazine that I like2) Collaborate with another artist(fashion designer, make-up artist, etc.) on a Photography Shoot3) Do a Fashion Shoot in Seoul4) Start a CREATIVE bi-weekly self-portrait series (all turn the camera around/in the mirror pictures are banned!) with Mandolyn McConaha in May.5) Finish learning to cook all of my favorite Korean dishes.6) Continue and Finish a Medium Format Portrait Series on my little Orphan Boys (Much more on them later)Finally this is my first attempt at using a Medium Format TLR Camera! I got a lot of uh blurry, underexposed, fail pictures, but I got some that I liked too. Using the camera was such a challenge, a totally foreign experience, but really fun all at the same time. Expect more TLR Pictures in the next few months. :)