#26 - Nervous Energy

 Nervous Energy - Have you ever had those days where nothing seems to fit and the more you think the more anxious you get? I have recently. Where I feel mentally drained, but still wide awake. My brain is going in directions that I didn't even know were possible. Everything I do to release my anxiety only winds me up all the more. It's an absolutely exhausting cycle.

Yet thankfully I'm learning that there are a few things that quiet my mind on these days, and it ain't yoga. Nah, I prefer more active forms of brain detox... i.e. running until my legs beg me to stop, dancing to salsa music, and finally my own art therapy, self-portraits. *sigh now I can finally sleep.

Jump! Baby Bird, Jump! ~ Self Portrait #24

This portrait, # 24 is quite appropriately numbered. 24 is my current age, and last November when Ms. 24 said, 'Hey-lo Inge!' It was one of the hardest days of my life...What happened exactly?  My pretty life plan come to a screeching halt. The road I was traveling down suddenly ended at a raging river. I tried furiously to lay new stones in the river, but they just melted away like away like money in your gas tank. Vapor. Even my levitation device broke! Absolutely nothing worked. The river would not let me cross it!My only option was to turn around and find a different road.I didn't want to, but I had to do it. I was infuriated, sad, scared and devastate all in one day. How could these plans, my beautiful plans collapse? Why? How could this be? I had fought hard, done everything I had know how to keep my dreams alive, yet still I lost them all in a matter of days. Ruined.I didn't want to accept how dead my dreams were, but I finally did and decided that I had to find a new dream. So I defiantly dressed up in my best superhero-like clothes and practiced my 'I'm strong; I can conquer the world with one hand tied behind my back! ' face in the mirror.  Yet inside of me - Oh! I was a weeping, scared, angry, confused but trying to move forward in faith that all of this was meant to be.If you had read my thoughts during this time, this is what you would have heard....1. "Help, Help! I don't want to step out. I don't know if I can. It will be awkward. It will be hard. It will be scary! I don't want to! Noooooo!!!"I theorize this is exactly what a baby bird feels like when the mama tells him to jump out of the nest.Side Note: If I were a baby bird, I'd be calling baby bird child services stat! For Animal Cruelty!

"Help! My mom is pushing my out of an 18-foot tree, can anyone say birdie abuse? Call the police! Call the police!" 

Back on Track: But really, think about it. Imagine what it would feel like on that inevitable day when your mama says "Get your butt out of this nest!"And on my 24th birthday that is what happened to me.Mama didn't tell me to "get" a moving. This time it was God saying..."Get! Set out of your cozy, comfortable nest. You've been in here too long, and your legs are getting too long for the nest. Take that scary new step to risk. Risk living your real dream. Don't live the half-dream. Trust in me enough to pursue that dream that you've kept hidden and never pursued because of fear.""But, but,....I don't want to," I whimpered... 'I quite like my surroundings, and the food isn't half bad. I can suffer through the squatty potties, and keep living a pretty good life...." but really deep, deep, deep down in the recesses of my soul, I did want too step out. 1st I really, truly hate squatty potties, and 2nd in my heart, I knew where I had been that I wasn't fulling using or developing the talents God had given me.So there on my birthday, I was booted out of the nest. I didn't even jump! I was pushed! Oh, it was scary! The most mournful birthday of my life. I'm a little ashamed to tell you how many boxes of Kleenex were drenched with my tears and snot on the way down. But when the tears dried up, I slowly started to expand my wings. They were young and weak, and I tumbled out of the nest like a baby bird.And when I hit the ground, I didn't land even close to where I thought I would. The world wasn't like I expected it to be.. Yet..... the fall wasn't as painful as I had imagined, in fact it was downright fun in a weird kind of old wooden roller-coasterish - thriller movie kind of way.Now that I am out of the nest, I'm relieved and more at peace. I didn't realize how stifling it was up there. I didn't see that I had been living a half life, and settling for the second best, and I've learned that God only wants the bestest life fully of joy for his children. No settling allowed, people!Now outside, I can dream unreasonably, smile fully, dance lightly, love and be loved AND sit on a blessed Western Toilet! My butt has never been so happy. :)I am more free now than I have ever been in my entire life! And the world?!!? Why, it is 102x more amazing than I thought it could ever be and the people are just lovely. And to think that I am just learning to use these wings. Imagine how delightful it will be once year 25 and 26 hits my bones? Unimaginable. ;)Lately I've been trying to climb up all the trees I encounter, big, small, fat, ugly, tall, you name it. I take a deep breath and climb----up, up, up, I go! And then when I get to the top, I take a few more breaths - this time much deeper, and bigger - I stall a wee bit, do a little motivation jig, pat myself on the back, say the Lord's prayer about 10x and then poof!I jump and squeal simultaneously  - like a scared piglet, ridiculous, I know. Don't judge my motivation methods.. :) -First I start to tumble but then I remember.... I've got wings! And every time I spread them, they work, and with each jump they get stronger, my heart gets more trusting, and I fly a little further than before.I bet when I get to Ms. 25 these wings will find more surprises, challenges, lovely people, adventure, blessings and freedom than I can fathom. ^^With every tree I climb and every mile I fly, I am learning more and more that God has an amazingly beautiful life for me and all of us. More full than I can ask or imagine. The transformation of my life from last November 3, 2011 (my birthday) to now, May 2012 -- 7 months is astounding. No words. I am being constantly showered with goodness. I constantly feel like slapping and pinching myself to make sure that I am actually alive.My heart is learning that I really, really can let go of my worries and truly trust that God is a good Father, and that he wants the very best for me so my risks really aren't risks at all. He's always got my back, yo!

So don't be afraid, jump, baby bird, jump!

You've got angel wings!

Self Portrait #23 ~ Step on Stage!

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All your life you've practiced, practiced, practiced and then just to be certain, you practice some more. Then there comes the day that you finally realize that there is really only one more thing left to do, step on that stage and give the finest performance your soul has to offer.

Cheers to you stepping on the stage of life and never being afraid to shine bright, bright, bright, and then brighter still!

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world."

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.  ~ Marianne Williamson

  

Great Expectations ~ Self Portrait #22

The new year is in full swing. After 2.5 weeks in Americaland with my beautiful family and friends, but today I've packed my bags and I'm boarding a plane back to sunny Thailand. Oh, I'm so sad and excited all at the same time!... I want to stay, but at the same time I want to go. But I'm going because I know deep, deep down Thailand is where I need to be now, and really, who am I kidding? I can't complain. How am I blessed enough to live in the tropics? Really? I'm not sure, I slap and pinch myself daily to make sure this life is real.

I have no idea what this year has in store, but it promises to be one of amazingness. I can just smell it in the air. The smell is as good as walking into a room full of freshly baked cinnamon rolls. Who knows all the beauty God has in store for 2012? So get ready ya'll, it's going to be crazzyyy and as delicious as pumpkin pie with whip cream :)

 

'Suck it up cupcake' It is Time to Shine! #20

 There are those days that I feel like hiding. Crawling into a bag of rice and trying to forget how much I don’t fit in here.Here, I always feel as though I am on stage, and the spotlight is shining so brightly it blinds my eyes.I am the only foreigner in the mist of thousands of people, and there is no hiding my difference. No clothes that I can wear, no makeup that I can slather on, no dye to tint my hair or iron to straighten it.I am different.Yet, I chose this world, a place where I am completely conspicuous. I breathe, heads turn. I fear what will happen when I dare sneeze!People here worry whether I can preform simple physical tasks or fret about my health because I don’t eat a mountain of white rice every time I sit down at the table.At times, the peoples fascination with the color of my skin or hair annoys me. I didn’t do anything but be born to get them. They aren’t me.Why do people give me more respect because of them? Why do they ask me to speak in their churches or celebrations because of the color of my eyes?Their color does not indicate wisdom or mean that I should be respected or privileged above others. I’m 23 (well almost 24, NOV 3, ::cough::presents, people?::cough::). There are plenty of people here much wiser than I. My light eyes are no more beautiful or wise than dark ones, but no one seems to believe me.I dislike this inequality. It goes against all the values that were pounded in my head from the age of 2.5 months.Yet these same discriminatory people also look at me and smile and welcome me into their homes for no reason. They feed me, visit me, let me practice their language with them, wave at me and give me an odd amount of awe and respect.I’m learning to take the good with the bad, and to use my situation for the best. If I have to be on stage, then I might as well have fun, right?Though most importantly, if they do respect me then I’ve got to understand this precious gift and use it empower them by letting them know that I think that they are beautiful and smart and can do whatever they are determined to do and be confident., Never hiding from the world.Because when you hide from life, you’re only doing so out of fear. Fear is such a nasty little captain of life. It squashes you and your potential for greatness, hurts people around you and drains all of the brilliant colors out of life’s rainbows.And I’ve decided no more hiding for me either! I’m crawling out of this rice sack, putting on my brightest dress and curling my hair Afro style. It’s time to shine, people. It’s time to laugh, sneeze, fart, burp, fall in the mud, relax and enjoying my lovely audience.

And in the words of my dear friend Reid 'Suck it up, cupcake!'

The above is my current life motto., or at least what I say to myself every time I stumble into my dark, spider-filled squatty potty bathroom at 4 am. ::shudder::

Leafy Dreamer - SP #19

My friend Mandy and myself are still trucking along and shooting our self portraits, just at a much slower rate., due to all the country moving, job-changing, adjusting, that we've been in the mist of. But no worries, we're still on the war path.And I'm actually getting a little bit addicted to photographing and creating these self-portraits. Regardless of the quality of the final pictures there is something really fun and satisfying about this creative process. It's a bit like my own form of art therapy. It's not about the product, but rather the process of expression.This week I feel asleep, AGAIN!  The caffeine must not be as strong in Thailand as it is in the States. Boooo! Where is a legitimate Starbuck's Coffee when you need it? Not in the jungle apparently. :) 

One Late Night! #17

Ohhh.. ! I’ve been bad! Yup it’s true! Me and my self portraitness has been tardy, tardy, I’ve been worse then all of my Latin American friends put together!, but I have good excuses. Cause I always do! They're fabulously fun to make up, you know!So what’s mine this time? Oh you want to know, do you? Well over this past month since Aug 13th I’ve moved a total of 3 times and finally, finally as last week or Sept 3rd I reached my permanent destination.. Well, at least for the next 6~8 months, let’s be honest a 6 month location is pretty permanent for me and my meandering self.Where did I decide on? Thailand! The sunshine and the fruit signed and sealed that deal! I’m living up in Northern Thailand in the Jungle!......., It’s sorta of awesome actually. Sans the squatty potties :shudder: and those pesky hand-sized spiders that crawl up my bedroom walls at night.At least I don’t live in Australia, then I might be dead by now. But the hand-sized spiders are totally non-poisonous, Mom, I swear! And really they are only the size of a 4 or 5 year olds hands not quite man-sized., or at least I haven’t seen those yet.But lets be honest, folks. I would take a man-sized spider over a squatty potty any day of the week. Squatty potties are just a real travesty, and cut out any chance of ever reading the newspaper in the bathroom again. It’s a shame. I don’t know how countries with squatty potties ever become literate. I’m going to start a campaign called “Kill the Squatties, increase Literacy!” It would really be that easy!So coffee shops and wireless internet haven’t quite made it to these parts. It’s quite a bit of a trek to find internet in these parts. A hard day’s labor really., akin to hiking a mountain, slaughtering dinner with your bare hands and then tearing it to bits with your teeth., which sounds like a fabulous task for my third week here. I’m a little too youthful for that one now.But back to the internet issue, if you want to use Skype you have to pay a cool 12 dollars an hour! Yikes! Yet luckily I found a nice little bamboo hut that lets me surf the web and email my dear friends and family for free, as long as they can crowd around my computer and stare at all the interesting things that the foreigner is looking at. Ehhhh, well I guess nothing in this world is really completely free., eh, eh?I think I’ll be using ‘Eh’ a lot in the next few blog posts. I’m learning a new language in this jungle to pass the time so that I don’t go mad and get jungle fever or go ape or whatever one of those random wilderness diseases are..  My point?  They say ‘eh’ a lot in this language and ‘La’ too.. So excuse my ‘eh, eh’ and ‘la, la’ overkill if you can help it., dear readers.So I’m trying to get back on the Self Portrait schedule. I will try my best. It may take me a week or so more to get adjusted here and get my life in order again. but it will happen and more portraits to come. Here is #17. This is the last portrait from my time in Korea..Here, here to creating the next set of portraits here in this jungle.

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Hello Dear Thailand! #16

Have you noticed that it's taken me longer than our allotted 16 weeks to get my #16 self-portrait live? Well I'm very sorry dear world, I've been terribly busy with all the moving about, from this plane to the next, and then buses, boats, motorbikes, donkeys and even llamas my head is practically about to spin off and I'm still not done moving! I have one more trip yet to make!, but at least I have made it to my next country of residence, Thailand!It feels so good and warm to be here., and hopefully I'll be settled into my new home before the end of this week and then I can show you all my new pad.Be sure to check out Mandolyn's beautiful blog here!p.s. Ok, so this picture might not have exactly been taken in Thailand, but it was as Thai as my little Korean town could manage.. :)

It's Hot Enough to Fry an Egg! #15

Yes, #15 is late by almost one week, but I have good excuses. (Have you noticed that I always have good excuses? I believe that I'm a master excuse maker! I think I could be employed by the postal service or some any other governmental organization to run their 'excuse' department. I would be fabulous!) but what is my excuse on the sunny/rainy/bi-polar summer day?Well....I have just been so busy these past two weeks drinking coffee, eating smoked salmon and salads, getting massages and pedicures with the best of friends, sleeping in boat houses, swimming in the river, motorcycling through the tropics in torrential rains and eating pounds and pounds of papaya and pineapple that I just didn't have the time to post my portrait. Yes such a hard life!.. I'm practically a child laborer! But alas....I had to get it together and post my self-portrait today. Too much dilly dally is not good for the soul! (<--- I actually don't believe that, but I figured I should add that so all you people out there, don't think I'm 100% lazy, just 94.5% lazy factor )This week the portrait is in honor of the deliciously scorching weather of the summer. Any day of the week, I don't care how extreme, I would rather be hot, hot, hot, hot, than cold. The cold is death to me! When I'm cold, all I want to do is curl up in a little ball with a cup of hot chocolate and soup and hibernate. I bless the day God created the sizzling heat! It's fantastic ^^More blog updates to come soon because I've got absolutely nothing but relaxing and piddling to do this week! Unless I get distracted by Thai massages or cooking classes and in that case, you may never hear from me ever again. But know that I will always love you all very dearly.Remember to check out Mandolyn's Self-Portrait here :) 

Greek Myth #14

I think I must be confused or flighty or both..Yes, both, that must be it.. I think it's from all the Kimchi, lack of sun and the serious deprivation of cilantro, good Mexican food and pink delicious, buttery salmon. Why do I think I am I going through a mental breakdown? Well you know how I said before that I should have been born in the 1800s or the 1980s?  Yesterday at about 6:32 am, I changed my mind. I decided that maybe I was meant for the ancient times of the Greeks. Yes, I thought so.. I was very convinced,  so much so that while the sun was rising, I went outside in my PJs to scavenger for vines and low hanging grapes.. I wasn't too successful, lets just say a little vicious dog wasn't too keen on my trespassing into his vineyard at that hour.,... ::... I wasn't planning on stealing or anything. just borrowing, jeez!.::But I have better hope for my next borrowing escaped. I feel as though if I can fool the dog into thinking that I'm a legit Greek, he'll let me feast on ...eh borrow... his grapes.... Here's my plan....I'm considering donning a toga, learning to play the harp, and then serenading Mr. Vicious Grape dog to all the best Hercules Disney movie songs.....He will for sure be fooled! Which brings me to my next question, does anyone have a white sheet I can borrow?  Self-Portrait # 14 sans the grapes... Next time though! Watch out I'll have the doggie fetching me those grapes ^^

Night Fairies # 13

There is something magical about the night. The complete and utter silence of the sleeping world can be so peaceful. One of my favorite things to do is stay up to an ungodly hour of the morning, creep up to my rooftop and listen to this stillness....Mandolyn's Witchy Self Portrait #13! We've made it all the way to #13, lady! I'm very proud of us!view inge kathleen's portfolio here   

A Watery Grave #12

I am realizing that sometimes things have to die in order to make space for life.. I need to give up things or relationships, and release my control of them so that other things can grow freely. It's scary to let go, and let relationships die, but once you do the most beautiful things can be re-birthed. It's much like pruning an apple tree. As you chop off the old branches, one by one, the tree begins to look painfully awkward and vulnerable, but just give it time and before you know it will be the most brilliant and fruitful tree in the whole orchard. And who, in their right mind, doesn't like a crisp, delicious apple? Ahhhh soooo goood! Makes me want to dance!p.s. Thank-you to my dear friend Kaserie for manning the camera for me and getting up at 7am on a Sunday!! to appease my self-portrait madness. And I pray to the Lord above that my little Korean dry cleaners can do magic on that dress!....p.p.s. Don't forget to look at Mandolyn's Fairytale Saga! She did 2 self portraits this week. Rock on lady! :)p.p.p.s. My skin is actually this white. No photoshop magic needed. Yes, I know! ridiculous. Thank goodness I'll be in the land of sunshine soon!view my portfolio here 

The Adventure! #11

Isn't life amazing? Every time I stop to think about it, it honestly gives me the chills. There is so much beauty everywhere.. I mean have you really considered DEEPLY, how beautiful hot apple pie is with ice cream? Think about it for a moment. A Loooooong moment. Can you think of anything more beautiful? I certainly don't think Tara Banks nor Jude Law put together are half as pretty! (Gasp! don't hate me, at least I didn't say Johnny Depp!) ::inge would have said Johnny Depp, but she's a whimp and knows that her cyber head would have been snapped into two if she had typed such blasphemy:: <-- Great, thanks for ratting me out... you're such a great cyber imaginary friend. boo. I think I might disown you!

::inge proceeds to start typing a internet ad for a new imaginary friend, any takers?::

Bad friends aside.....I'm in the process of ending one part of my life and beginning another and I'm so excited and ready. I can't wait to see where God takes me next.

"The world is round, and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning." Ivy Priest

Happy Tuesday :)

Blissful Immaturity #10

Since the age of 4 or 5, I've been somewhat of an adult in a child's body, responsible, mature, dependable, blah, blah = a boring and worried little soul.. But I'm realizing that I missed out on the beautiful lightness of being a child and now I'm setting my soul free and throwing off the weights of the ridiculous worries of the 'grown-up' life. I am learning to be carefree and be worried for nothing, and it is so very freeing. Oh, I just love being immature! I can sleep in, puddle jump, sing in the rain, have bed head, never brush my hair, and really, who needs tangle-free hair anyways? I should have shed my adultness much sooner :)Clothes by: GyahahaTeddy Bear: My dear friend Katrina. I'll bring Mr. Teddy home to you again soon!And Mandy's Awesome Self Portrait #10 is here.. or if it isn't there right now it will be there soon. She promised me :)

Whispers of the Past ~ #9

I've always thought with my hair that I should have grown up in the 18th Century or during the 1980s, but unfortunately my parents missed the 18th century by a long shot. Lame guys! and then I only lasted for 2 years and 2 months in the 80s, equally lame. Though my 2 year old bedhead hair was fabulous, it just wasn't to the maturity of my current wig.  So since my birth didn't come in either of those time periods, now I am stuck with recreating what could have been. Me, as one of Jane Austen's Characters. I would have been awesome!. Though I may not have been as cool as Elizabeth Bennet in Pride and Prejudice, I would have been close. ;) hehehe Happy Tuesday, ya'll. And check out Mandolyn's Amazingness this week. ^^Clothes by: Gyahaha Clothing Store, Seoul, South Korea.

Dancing Queen #8

There are not many things in this beautiful world that I love more than sleep. I guard my sleep more than Pooh protects his honey or a Black Widow watches her poor, recently deceased husband., I like naps, I like going to bed at 9pm. I think sleep is one of the most essential things to a good life. I could be a spokesperson for shut-eye. I love, love sleep, nothing can get in the way of my sleep... well almost nothing BUT dancing. Oh my! Now dancing, this is a different kind of love. Sleep is my practical sweetheart, but dancing, why, he is the boyfriend who you'll sneak out of a 3-story window for; the one who makes your heart go flip and flop, puts butterflies in your stomach and then gives your spirit wings. Ahhhh Dancing, how I do love thee! And in the name of love, I decided to stand-up Mr. Sleep, and spend all Saturday night in Seoul dancing to the beats of Salsa, Bachata, and Merengue with my dear friend, Farah (the real dancing queen).We danced till 5 in the morning! And then we went to meet my 2nd love, Mr. Food, for a good post-dancing breakfast. Then we spent Sunday morning drinking coffee and discussing how whoever we marry must love to dance, and dance well. We are very serious, even if we meet a wonderful guy who meets all the other husband requirements, if he can't dance, he just will not do! Ah, it was a lovely way to spend a weekend.The Clothes: The super beautiful Japanese hat and dress in the picture are from Gyahaha. They are launching a new website in the next few days. I can't wait!View Mandolyn's beautiful #8 portrait here! Can you believe we've lasted 2 months in self-portrait land?!? I'm so proud of us :)view my portfolio here

Self Portrait #7 ~ Ghosts

I've been going through a process of navigating through the ghosts of the past. It's an interesting and sometimes painful process of discovery, but it's fantastically freeing when you kill these ghosts dead. You get lighter and lighter and fly higher and higher! And I don't know about you, but I sooooo enjoy flying. It's much harder than levitating and when you fall, dude! the bruises cover half your body. Yet, when you finally succeed, it is much more fun then just levitating! The only problem are the blasted bugs that I keep swallowing! I must work on breathing through my nose, and shutting my yapper! And remember to check out Mandolyn's Self-Portrait Amazingness!